Matt Shea
RubySoho
Morgan Bell
Cibbuano
David O'Connell
Mountain Fog
Hollywood: Leave My Memories Alone
October 15th 2009 08:16
by Matt Shea
Perhaps I stare through the gilded glasses of familiarity, but the toy lines of the 1980s were fantastic creations. “Action Man”, “Starcom”, “Mask”, “Masters of the Universe”, “Voltron”: they were all either created or rereleased for the 80s. Television of course provided a willing ally in the fight for promotion of many of these lines, with the continuing rise of cartoons allowing manufacturers to capture kids’ imaginations even further.
But regardless of your more esoteric fancies, there can be no doubt about the two creations that bestrode the decade like a pair of injection-moulded, articulated colossi. Throughout the retreating days of the Cold War, “Transformers” and “G.I. Joe” reigned supreme, and just about every kid worth his pocket money would save up for their favourite figurines and vehicles.
It’s a childhood I remember clearly. My brothers, friends and I would often gather in the vegetable patch in front of our house, digging fox holes for the Cobra foot soldiers, or scoping out the Decepticons base underneath the English spinach.
And the wheeling-and-dealing competitions over who killed who would last all afternoon. Billy Fisher (name changed to protect the embarrassed) was once so determined to not let me fiddle with the diorama while he was away in the bathroom that he managed to wet himself, cutting short our play session for the afternoon.
They were great toys, beautifully conceived and fastidiously designed.
And they contributed to a fantastic childhood, even if the weapons would sometimes get lost in the garden, or Scott Loader would frequently jump the fence on his way home from football training and kick up our carefully staged battles.
***
Two decades later and it’s no longer the vegetable patch that’s my play ground but the local cinema, and instead of Scott Loader stomping all over my fun it’s Michael Bay and Stephen Sommers.
Bay and Sommers are the respective directors of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”, and it’s fair to say that both filmmakers and their studio backers have ruthlessly sliced away the giddy charm that made the original toy lines so appealing.
Sommers and Paramount’s take on “G.I. Joe” could have been a winner: the original toy line was full of colour and the cartoon chocked with campy humour.
Unfortunately the film is simply a lifeless, by-the-numbers big budget bonanza. It’s noisy, relentless, and almost computer generated into oblivion. Character is a dirty word and the accelerator suits Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) wear during the middle section of the film may be perfect for all sorts of death defying stunts, but couldn’t help our heroes leap over a series of gravity distorting plot holes.
But regardless of the new film’s faults, the 1980s model of “G.I. Joe” was always very much a product of its era. It was “a real American hero” and the patriotic bent made perfect sense during the years of the Reagan administration.
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje in "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra".
For the film, the “G.I. Joe” idea has been stripped down and rebuilt. No longer is it an American force, but an international and multiracial one – a Benetton advert with weapons. It has so little to do with the original series that the nomenclature hardly applies, and you’re left with the sneaking suspicion that the script was retrofitted with the names of the “G.I. Joe” franchise purely as a marketing ploy.
Bay’s “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is even worse.
Louder and more bombastic than “G.I. Joe”, it’s also considerably longer. Racist, sexist and full of flag-waving jingoism, “Revenge of the Fallen” is one of the most embarrassing films ever to be released.
Which is a shame, because the original “Transformers” series was a brilliantly imaginative mainstream toy and cartoon creation.
Robots with souls: it’s basic stuff but fantastic grist for a young boy’s playtime. And so you had the resolute and just but always magnanimous Optimus Prime, or the little brother complex of the risk-taking Bumblebee. The Decepticons were no less loved by their creators – the ruthless, aggressive Megatron constantly having to watch over his shoulder for the treacherous Starscream.
Bay’s first “Transformers” film was light enough on these enjoyable details, but “Revenge of the Fallen” virtually trades its inspired characters away for a fistful of nonsensical action scenes. It’s depressing – watching a franchise you cared for so deeply being driven into the ground by a bunch of filmmakers who have no understanding of what made it so fantastic in the first place.
And it makes you shudder as to what might next be unleashed upon audiences: perhaps a cinematic rendition of “Action Man”, or a bolt-on version of “Barbie”. Unsurprisingly, a big screen version of “Voltron” is already in the works, being tentatively scheduled for a 2011 release. There’s probably little hope for anything of any quality, but then again Scott Loader never busted me playing with the ‘defender of the universe’, so perhaps the studios will produce something good after all.
Check out the trailer for “G.I. Joe” below:
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Comment by Wilson Pon
Health 2 Know
Adventure Toes
Techno Stuffs
boxing sound
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Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
I haven't seen transformers 2 but have heard much the same thing from friends who share similar sensibilities to you and I.
As for GI Joe they should have gone the StarShip Troopers route or should I say the Verhoven method and made it a supreme satire of flag waving, war hungry ideals.
Comment by James Rickard
unlucky_ fishermen.com
Angling Fish
Check this out...
Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
Hey James - thanks for stopping by. The endless remakes can get a bit much - although Star Trek was pretty good (even though they fiddled with the story). Interesting that you mention War of the Worlds because as a friend originally pointed out: It actually starts off pretty well - Tom Cruise's character freaking out and the kids not knowing how to deal with it - but then, as you say, goes downhill very, very fast.
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
I never got into those action figures as a kid. I was too busy collecting stamps and reading my first Stephen King novels!!
Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
Comment by Mountain Fog
loved the stroll through childhood toy wars!
In my day, it was green army soldiers, no 'star' as such, everyone the same except different weapons, but I also stayed into Grenadiers and medieval knights and Crusaders, and my beloved leadcast antique model cars, of which I had most of the first release collection by Matchbox, which my mother decided to throw out one day.... they are worth a fortune today.
Anyhoo, our BIG difference was fireworks. I am of that fabled era, when I could stroll into my local milkbar, and ask for a big bag of assorted explosives, at the age of six or less, and then set about blowing up soldiers and any hapless stray bugs that walked into the conflict, unsupervised all afternoon.
Those were the days indeed...
there was
Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
Comment by The wonderful Peter Yang
The First Wonderful Peter Yang's Variety Blog
The New Wonderful Peter Yang's variety blog
Power Ranger Online
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Stay healthy and loose weight
Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
Comment by Mountain Fog
God I miss crackers... now they have shut down the fireworks museum in Canberra, where you could still buy them, only palce in Oz. Bastards shut it down. Damn them!
cheers
fog
Comment by Matt Shea
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Comment by Jason King
Sydney Table
Salty Popcorn
Total Randomness
It should also be noted that they are actually in the process of making a Barbie film and give you one guess which tramp they have playing her....................
OK - That Hilton skank.
I want a lego movie! Or a barrel of monkeys movie - hahahaha
Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
Barbie film? I should have known really - poor form on my part. Paris Hilton - oh dear.
Ha - Barrel of Monkeys! At least six films in that...
Comment by Mountain Fog
I can't wait to see it, then the dirty online version shot by Paris' new BFF in her bedroom! Okay, so not really, I don't wanna watch her, but, I'd love it if she did it, just soooo billionairess skanky and the other trashy Paris would love it too!
cheers
fog